10.11.2004
I used to think I was born to spread the Word of God to everyone I possibly could...Lindsi Jo
Life was easier to live in denial than in reality...
I played a few worship songs and screamed at the ceiling like God would pay more attention to me if I was facing Him. I know He's never stopped paying attention to me because He's inside of me. He knows what I think before I do and He knows that I'm embarrassed to go back, knowing how much I've hurt Him. As a matter of fact, that's the first time I've even admitted it to myself. I can't go back, though... I am not the same person I was when I was 17. I am completely different. My circumstance has completely reshaped who I'm destined to become. I need to find a happy medium.
There has to be balance between the perfect-bright-white-Jesus-lover and the cussing-drinking-judgmental-materialist... Doesn't there? I still love Jesus when I'm drunk, and He still loves me when I'm dropping F-bombs. He died on the cross for my F-bombs. Convenient, though that doesn't justify them.
I yelled at the computer "Me too!" when I read this. These last years at college have streched and challenged my faith and relationship with God. I've struggled with doing everything right and being pissed off at God for what I couldn't understand. I've come to not just accept my doubts and vices, but to realize that I don't have to be perfect and maybe I can learn and grow more from being "outside my xian box" - eventually getting closer to Him from experiencing all of his world.
Lindsi - we so need to start a progressive xian discussion (group?). Right, cause both of us have time to do that, but it would be wonderful.