10.16.2007
The opening prayer for our bible study about sin was this song by Patty Griffin. It tells the story of the morning after a one night stand and dealing with the guilt and regret. It details some of the ways that I run away to try and deal with my shortcomings. I couldn't have picked a better church to join. Italics some of the insights we discussed.
Patty Griffin - "Every Little Bit"
It's funny how a morning turns a love to shame
Disguised and disfigured and you thought I tasted like rain
There`s nothing here but a shadow nothing here
Now you know
There's nothing here but the shadow, and now you know
I spit, I spit in the eye
I tear, I tear out my heart
and I scatter the bits
I stay unseen by the light (Adam and Eve hiding their nakedness from God.)
I stay untold by the truth
I'm sold by a lie (Eve)
By this I am able in all of my travels
To make these memories quit (I'm always trying to make my memories quit. Cain tried to run away from his sin.)
But tonight I clearly recall every little bit
I can chew like a cannibal
I can yell like a cat
I even had you believing that I really really like it like that
But there was never a moment
Not a moment
Now you know
You never got within a hundred million miles of my soul
I spit, I spit in the eye
I tear, I tear out my heart
And I scatter the bits
You left open the window till the morning
And the winter walked in
Reality fired her wooden bullet
Splintered under our skin
They say I'm walking on freedom
This is freedom (Free will, freedom of choice to sin or not.)
Now I know
I still don't blame you for leaving,baby
It's cold living with ghosts
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I still seem to be emotionally surprised to tears by things at Good Shepherd. So many moments make me want to cry when I am there (things that are not sad). Things that wouldn't affect me nearly as much if I was anywhere else. It's as though walking through the doors allows me to shed a wall that I've built around me to deal with life.
I had a few theories as to the root of this issue of crying at church: 1. Missing a community that was in love with me like at BUMC. 2. The amplification of my singledom at church where I'm surrounded by young families and lots of babies. 3. Missing my Mom. 4. My cycle (this was disproved when it would happen EVERY week). I thought I had remedied this with joining, getting involved and people actually recognizing me after attending for a few months. And last week it wasn't that bad. But then tonight at bible study, this song just made me want to cry. I miss Kari.