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trying to make it work
Errr. I'm trying to fix some bugs in my blogger template. But, the IE transparency hack that is supposed to work doesn't, the padding changes needed to account for the stupid blogger navbar work in preview mode, but not in real life. I did fix the annoying '1st date in the middle in IE' problem though.
Dijkstra, Knuth, McCarthy, Kay
I don't look forward to my 8:00 AM, MWF Operating Systems course. But on Wednesdays one of us gives a presentation on a historic computer scientist. I like these days. We get to hear a biography of someone's life. We get to learn the history of the programming practices that we use. But best of all, it takes 2/3rds of the hour and we don't have to spend as much time on how the page file entry is translated into physical memory.
Happy Belated Birthday

Happy 22nd Honey! I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to call you. I hope you and Troy are having a great time in the cities and skiing. Here are a few blasts from the past to make you feel nostalgic. See you soon!

PS: Happy Belated Birthday to Erik too!
InterVarsity is at it again
Do you agree with Suzanne? There is a lot of buzz around this and I'm sure that's what they wanted. I just feel like everything they do is so sleazy and slimy. It just reaks of - "I only want to befriend you so you will be saved and I will feel like I've done my duty." (I've been to the retreat where you make your list of who to work on to save.)

As far as I'm concerned InterVarsity has a bad reputation and this is doing nothing to improve it. (This may come from my bad experiences with them, so maybe I'm biased.) They are being too forceful, too in your face. People who are college age don't jive well with that. Christianity works better on a one to one basis, in an open discussion where issues can be addressed. Not in a finite little box where everything is absolute.

Life is messy. InterVarsity needs to admit that Christianity isn't perfect.

And it also pains me to see Suzanne (a girl I shared a floor with freshman year and had wonderful bible study with) attach her name so boldly to this campaign. People don't know the person behind it and will immediately judge and ridicule. And doesn't it seem a bit self-serving?
rock ON
The wallet I lost over a year ago has been FOUND and returned to me with EVERYTHING STILL IN IT! My social security card, all my cancelled credit cards, international student id, filled punchcards, my vanity club 10 card, and $11 BUCKS!

This SO rocks:)

It was found in Deputy, which is weird, cause I don't remember being in Deputy during the hour I lost it. I had it when I paid in the Union, I walked to class in HS100 and when I was leaving class it was gone, not in any seats, vanished.

And now reappeared out of thin air.
middle schoolers I love you how do I help you?
I'm procrastinating studying for my data structures test. Well, actually I'm taking a little break cause I feel like I'm going to fall asleep. My belly is nice and full from supper at youth group. Oh how I love homemade food that I don't have to make OR buy!

I keep thinking about an incident that happened at church tonight. We have a ritual of going around the circle and everyone tells one good thing and one bad thing that happened to them during the week. With a bunch of middle and high schoolers who are very rambunctious we are constantly asking them to be quiet and listen to what their peers have to say.

Anyway, tonight a guy was telling us about some kids who threw hot sauce in a locker bay and it happend to land on this guy's new books. It wasn't relevant to the story that the kids were minorities - earlier he had told Kari and I about it and specifically used their race, at which time I explained that kids are kids and we wouldn't mention their race if they were white. Anyway, when he told the group he (thankfully) left that detail out - until others asked of their names. That is when the horribly racist comment was blurted out of a different boys mouth. And I freaked out. I didn't yell, but made an uncomfortable situation. I made it clear that it was unacceptable to discriminate for any reason.

The reason I feel bad is, I should have addressed the whole group more and not made it seem like I was only chewing him out. He is a really good kid - completely outrageous and funny and clever and smart, he was only trying to make a joke.

Later, I pulled him aside and apoligized for singling him out. I told him I knew he was a good kid and that I should have directed it at the whole group. He told me it was okay because, he was used to being yelled at. I don't want him to be used to being yelled at! I want to understand him and figure out how to express my displeasure without making him an example.

How do we teach our middle schoolers to love and respect eachother. Not cut eachother down and proclaim their hate for each other. It is such a crazy time in their lives, where they are figuring out where they fit in. There is such competition between everyone. Why can't they just go with the flow, deal with people who they think are annoying. How do I help them do that!?
Ash Wednesday Youth Group

Ash Wednesday
It's Ash Wednesday. I went and got my thumbprint of God. It was cool to drive around town and see all the church parking lots full and sactuary windows all lit up. Our service was pretty small. So few attend, perhaps because we are the ones who are desperate to believe. We're called out of everyday life to bear witness to the presence of God.

I was kneeling at the rail. And I was trying to remember the last time when I felt engulfed with the holy spirit.

God is omnipresent, he seeps into every nook and cranny. But not just as one-size-fits-all, he meets us where we're at. He's not going to make everything easy, your problems aren't going to go away. He helps you deal.

I keep surprising myself when I look in the mirror and see black smudges on my forehead. Lent begins today.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and make me willing to obey you.
10God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
11Don't throw me out with the trash,
or fail to breathe holiness in me.
12Bring me back from gray exile,
put a fresh wind in my sails!

state of the union: blech
Nancy Pelosi 2008!

Okay, he's pissing me off. I don't feel appreciated. We don't have the same values. He's not affirming.

But, shit, I didn't tell him that. I'm so careful about not wanting to hurt others, that even when they hurt me I don't want them to feel bad about it. I think part of it is an ego thing. I don't want to seem weak, I don't want others to know that they have hurt my feelings. So, I mask it. I hold it inside.

Then I think to myself, it's not my "emotional day of the month", that was last week. If I can't blame this on my cycle why I am I so upset? Obviously, this isn't going to work out.

But I knew that from the start. I didn't call him for a year. I never did any persuing. I merely aquiesed the request to go out, to come over, to fucking bring him a pop from the fridge and do the dishes one too many times.
In EPIC our next gathering (February 13) is focusing on Temptation. This topic bugs me. Far too often when Christians talk about temptation, sinning, redemption/forgiveness, I'm left feeling like I've been given a fake answer. Its easy to say - all you have to do to be forgiven is pray - ask God for forgiveness. Pouf. Done, your forgiven. Can it really be that easy? Then others will pipe in with "you have to truly be sorry and take steps to change your ways". What if you don't want to. What if you don't feel like what you're doing is wrong. Is it a sin to tell people what they want to hear? It's a lie.

Maybe I should catch you up on the verses, we're using:

We derived our focus from the lectionary for that particular Sunday and being mindful of the season of Lent and the (secular?) holiday of (St.) Valentine's Day (or as I like to call it - "Red & Pink Don't Clash Day"). The lectionary lists Genesis 2:15-17; 3:1-7, Psalm 32, Romans 5:12-19, and Matthew 4:1-11

In Genesis we are tempted because we want to “know what’s going on”, to be like God (or be God). Could we say that now a days we’re know-it-alls? We know what’s best/good for us? I tend to think that. I make my decisions without God.

In the Psalm we are reminded how easily we are graced with forgiveness. Just talk to God and sin is erased.

Vicious cycle:
We’re tempted, we fail, we’re forgiven.

It’s my understanding that before the last part, we are forgiven only if we ask for grace and make an effort to change. Can we be forgiven simply from tremendous guilt? A catholic friend once told me that while confessing to a priest, she burst into tears and the priest assured her that all faults were excused, simply from the regret that was imminent in her tears.

Is that all it takes? How gracious is our God? I’m questioning God, this is bad. But, isn’t this what many of the denominations have argued and split about. Does it take good works? What constitutes a sin? Blah, blah, blah. But for me this is at the heart of the mystery. We don’t know.

Romans talks about Adam getting us into an abyss that separates us from God and Jesus restoring our connection (makes me think of the evangelical illustration where there is the grand canyon between man & god). Once again how gracious is this gift?

In Matthew, Jesus is tempted and resists the devil. Are we to use this as our model of resistance? What is the parallel? What event in real life does this compare to? Power, food/sustenance, self-importance.


That's a good parallel. Its a matter of choices. We put Jesus on a pedastal and we forget that he came down and was human and had to deal with the human condition. Then the thought crossed my mind of me talking about struggling with sex at church and my mom being there and ohmigod.

We're still talking it out, but I got so worked up about all of this I had to tell you.

Songs I want to hear at this service:
Stairway to Heaven
Axis: Bold as Love
Learning to Breathe
Innocence Again
Down to the river to pray
Sweet Surrender
Shifting Sand
Full of Grace
All Creatures of Our God and King
Redemption Day
Living is Simple
The Beautiful Letdown
Comtin D'un autre ete-L'apres Midi
This World

ps: ohmigosh why are you here if you can't take a tv running on mute while we read a bible verse, while we have an overhead projection, etc. Basicaly all the reasons I want more stimulus, you want less. Ack! This is part of the point of a second service, please if you don't want this don't go, don't help plan (just stay out of our way says the big horrible selfish hairy monster of postmodernism).
right now
Axis: Bold As Love
Jimi Hendrix

Anger, he smiles,
towering in shiny metallic purple armour
Queen Jealousy, envy waits behind him
Her fiery green gown sneers at the grassy ground

Blue are the life-giving waters taken for granted,
They quietly understand
Once happy turquoise armies lay opposite ready,
But wonder why the fight is on

But they're bold as love, just as bold as love
Yeah, they're bold as love
Just ask the axis

My red is so confident that he flashes trophies of war,
and ribbons of euphoria
Orange is young and full of daring,
But very unsteady for the first go round
My yellow in this case is not so mellow
In fact I'm trying to say it's frigthened like me
And all these emotions of mine keep holding me from
Giving my life to a rainbow like you

I'm as bold as love, I'm as bold as love
Just as bold as love
Just ask the axis

Me and the trees, losing our leaves
Falling like blood on the ground
I want to be evergreen
Everything dies, I know last night
Part of me wasn't around
I want to be evergreen
Yeah, evergreen

Waiting, and listening
Hoping and missing all of our time left alone
I'm the one cutting the rope
Frostbite in winter,
'cause like a splinter
you come and follow me down
I'm the one cutting the rope

Holiday end,
I'm here once again,
And I'm left alone on the bus with my
Head on the ground,
In hopes that I'm found by you
This time around

The sun will rise soon and tackle the moon
Chasing it still in the sky
All that I've got is tonight
Excuses and reasons,
And now tis the season
For all that I never got right
All that I've got is tonight

The night is a crow saying, "Come hold me"
All that I know is I've been so lonely for you
All that I knew, and all that I know found itself under Your reign
I want to be evergreen
Blogger why do you have to suck so much. All I want to do is write my posts and get off so I can go watch TV with a boy. And every time I click on "new post" you just sit there. Errrr. Too many bloggers, not enough server space. BLOGGER: I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW BUY MORE SERVERS!
Later: Oh hourglass symbol, how I love you.
don't *have* to work for Spring Break
I could go see Erik in LA for $210 - ($50 voucher from SunCountry) = $160 roundtrip if I leave on Friday and come back Wednesday. This looks very tempting:)

But working lots of hours and paying off my credit card would be nice too.
where the revolution should go
My first hope is that the usual suspects of names and topics gets expanded so wide that it serves as model for what the Kingdom of God actually looks like - that emergence actually emerges, from the grassroots up and out, engaging the Catholic nuns who have been fighting this battle since before Doug Pagitt knew how to even pronounce yoga; engaging all of North America, recognizing that Canada is not a bunch of pot-smoking hockey lovers and that Mexico is a life force (from church to culture to economics) that must infuse all that we do; engaging women of all backgrounds, men of all theological stripes, people of all generations and choices in partners or Bible translation or operating system or vocational pursuit. The beginning of the middle can not be the usual suspects.
- Bob Carlton

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a $10,000 wedding
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